see Elle think

I'm Moving...

2009-08-25T11:36:00.001-07:00

THis blog is being moved to WordPress. I know... I know. I can already hear your "sighs" and "ahs" of disappointment. The truth is that I wanted a new blog because I'm moving into a very NEW part of my life. The new blog is located at:

seeellegrow.wordpress.com

Check it out. Thanks to all my followers! I appreciate the love.

everybody needs a ridiculous laugh

2009-07-19T13:50:00.000-07:00

Be Still and KNOW that He IS God.

2009-07-19T12:54:00.000-07:00

I recently got accused of being crazy by my mother. Perfect. As if my mother has any room to talk. Either way, I started thinking about why, specifically, she was making such accusations. The truth (and let's face it, no one really likes the truth) is that I'm going through some huge transitions in my life right now. I'm getting ready to graduate, I'm trying to find a job, I'm in a serious relationship that has several serious decisions attached, I'm still trying to decide where I fit into this "culture" of faith, and all the while I'm working through an internship for academic credit, paying rent and bills every month on my own, and trying desperately to tie up whatever loose ends I can before I move out of the Bible Belt and into the Big Bad World.

Whew.

All that to say: I'm not crazy, I'm just ANXIOUS.

I started thinking about it though, and I realized that I'm not really "stressed" or "anxious" about any of these particular life-changing events. Honestly, I'm so open and willing to God's plan for my life that I'm not super concerned about my future or what it holds. I am truly trusting that God has a plan and a purpose for my life, and whatever that is, He will reveal it to me and work it out for me at His perfect time. Really, in all of this, I'm so concerned about the decisions that I have to make about my future affecting my openness to God's plan that I'm missing out on His blessing. Okay, let's break that down.

The parable of the ten virgins... the basic idea is that there were ten virgins, all pure and without blemish, waiting for the bridegroom in the night. Five of the virgins brought extra oil for their lamps, five didn't. The five without extra ran out and had to leave their place of waiting to go find more oil. Long story short, they missed the bridegroom. I feel like I'm running around so frantic about having enough oil, that I'm missing out on the bridegroom right now. I'm so stressed trying to make myself available to God's plan that I'm missing out on the blessings that He has for me NOW. Its stupid, and when I look at it all now, I feel foolish. In fact, I feel as ridiculous as the woman in this picture looks. LOL... But the truth is that many, many Christians struggle with this same problem. I feel like most Christians that I talk to today all have the same undertone in their speech, and the same look on their faces, much like I imagine the woman in this picture screaming, "AM I MISSING SOMETHING HERE?!?"

As my director and authority figure, Dr. Brad Moffett, says often, "The biggest sin in the church today is busyness." And its so true. We have allowed ourselves to be so busy and wound so tight trying so hard to do God's work, that we miss the work He wants to do on us. I'm reminded of what the Psalmist said in Psalms 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the Earth." What a concept. To sit back, shut up, chill out, and let God be God. Rest in the fact that He is who He says He is... that He will be praised whether we stress ourselves out or not... He will be exalted whether we run ourselves ragged trying to make it happen or not. Be still and KNOW that He IS God. Amen.

Freedom

2009-07-14T14:29:00.000-07:00

I’ve been singing this song for months. The chorus is literally only one word: freedom. The verses say things like, “I wanna clap a little louder than before, I wanna sing a little louder than before…” Of course the congregation usually does the “motions” associated with each of the commands and youth tend to really love the song because it talks about being free, which is something everybody loves, and because it’s a high energy song. All the time I’ve been singing the song, I’ve interpreted it to mean that we want to praise God more than we have in the past because He has made us free by His son’s death and we can live in freedom knowing that we’re able to spend eternity with Him. Until now.

I was reading Donald Miller’s “Searching For God Knows What” and Miller addressed this idea. He took a long time and a lot of pages to tell a story about a circus and his experience with the circus and how in any group of people, a hierarchy is developed and someone is deemed more valuable than the other, etc. But what he ultimately got down to was the idea that humans take too much time and put too much emphasis on the external “praises” of people. We wear Prada and carry Coach bags to prove that we are in style and have money. We dye our hair and style it every morning to look like Paris Hilton, whom of course is setting the latest and greatest trend. We value ourselves based on how the world and culture deems us valuable. But its all material. It’s not eternal.

Miller reminds us of David’s dancing before the Lord. David ripped his cloths off, ran out into the public street, and started dancing for God. Today, he would’ve been escorted away by uniformed officers and paid hefty fines for public indecency, and his social life would most likely cease to exist. The point is, though, that David didn’t care what people thought of him. He didn’t care that his wife was embarrassed and that people were staring at him. He didn’t care that there was talk about the incident later or that some might’ve thought him crazy. Why? Because David valued himself based on the value that God stamped on him, and God thought he was awesome.

As humans, we are at the disposal of our environment and culture a lot. We are drawn into “fitting in” not necessarily because we want to or feel like we have to, but because we could be institutionalized if we don’t. But the ultimate “freedom” comes from our acknowledgment of God’s love for us and knowing that He values us so much more than the world ever will, or could. That’s why the song says, “I wanna jump a little higher than before, I wanna scream louder.” Its because the writer of this song knew that his or her freedom came from knowing God’s love and acceptance, and wanted to emphasize the fact that we don’t have to care what other people are thinking about us, because we were created to praise.

So do it. However you want. Praise. In the freedom bestowed by God’s value for you, praise Him. Clap louder, jump higher, love and worship Him more. You’re free because He loves you, regardless of the world’s thoughts.

Feelings: What Does That Mean?

2009-03-25T20:35:00.000-07:00

I'm about to graduate college. I will graduate with a degree in Public Relations from Lee University, a wonderful liberal arts university with well known accreditation. I should be prepared for the world and whatever is "next". I should have an idea of what I'm going to do. I should feel confident in whatever lies ahead.

But I'm not.

I have no earthly idea what I'm going to end up doing when I'm done here. In fact, I'm so freaked out about it, that I'm actually considering taking graduate classes in a subject I'm only vaguely interested in just so I can stay on my parents' insurance and remain in the "incubator", so to speak. If you ask most of my friends about their post graduate plans, their answers are as few, far and in between as mine. No one knows what they're doing. None of us. So that leads me to the question of purpose. I feel (used as the loose term that it is)... I feel called into some sort of ministry. But then all my professors talk all the time about how our entire lives are ministry and that no matter what career path I choose, there is a mission field awaiting me. But when I say ministry, I mean in some traditional sense, be it a church or African village, I am called to minister one-on-one to people somewhere. I also feel called to minister with music. I know that God has given me a talent vocally that is not to be overlooked.

These are all just feelings.

Then you ask, "So... why are you a PR major then? Why not music?" Yeah, I know. I ask myself that a lot too. But what I know is that if I majored in music, I would end up hating music, because I love the essence of music, not the technicality of music. I love the sound and the basic understanding for how that sound is made, not the rhetoric or logical construction of it. I can make a career for myself in PR and I will enjoy it. But I don't feel called to it. Oh, so many feelings, and no explanations. I'm restless, as are most of my peers, otherwise I'd be panicky. Regardless, I don't like restlessness. I want to simply "be" and "do" whatever God wants of me. I should call Him soon... He still hasn't returned my call about my life's outcome yet. Something about, "I know the plans I have for you..." or some junk. Ugh. Whatever. God. Sometimes I feel like He's rubbing it in my face that He knows everything and my little, puny human brain couldn't handle that kind of knowledge... hmmmmmm.

For The Record...

2009-03-25T08:01:00.001-07:00

In light of this past weekend's pageant at Lee University, and my terrible impromptu question answer, I would like to set the record straight. My platform was: Education of Social Media in Middle and High School. My impromptu question: How does education of social media help high schoolers and middle schoolers developmentally? My answer was: "Uhhh..." So I want to start over for a minute and give the answer I wish I had given.

As many of you know, many high school and middle school students are already using social media technologies like Facebook and MySpace. They are searching for videos on YouTube and making comments on blogs on a daily basis. The important part of this use, however, is not the technology itself, but rather the social aspect of it. Its the communication that is happening between the student and whomever they are interacting with online that is crucial. This kind of interaction helps students develop important technological communication skills. Obviously, saying something in email can be very different than saying it in person. Unfortunately, this kind of miscommunication, academically referred to as abberent decoding, happens a lot and can lead to many painfully destructive issues in the business world and personal lives. Educating young adults on this specific kind of communication can help them to be better prepared to communicate effectively via tools like email and blogs. It helps them develop communication skills that they can carry with them into their personal and professional lives. Also, social media skills are becoming necessary for news intake. President Obama has begun the shift into social media use federally, and this shift is only the beginning of what is being referred to as the "groundswell" phenomenon, moving all media into social media. This is a generational movement and we need to help guide our young people through that shift effectively.

Okay. That's what I should've said. I'm sorry that I didn't do the platform justice. The fact is that this topic is hugely important. Europe has already begun implementing this topic into their education field. We need to keep up.

Reality vs. Perception

2009-03-04T09:39:00.000-08:00

Sometimes reality and perception get mixed up... Sometimes I feel like its all a dream, until I run into the wall and realize... NOPE! The dishes are still waiting in the sink, the laundry didn't do itself, and I still have four papers to write before Monday. Ah, life. Hope this video brightens someone else's day as much as it did mine...

For Your Entertainment...

2009-03-01T20:07:00.000-08:00

Michael Richards on Racism

2009-03-01T19:52:00.000-08:00

Thoughts, anyone? Got this in an email today. Kind of interesting... I'm not sure I agree with everything that is said, but it definitely makes you think... Here it is:

Michael Richards better known as Kramer from TVs Seinfeld does make a good point. This was his defense speech in court after making racial comments in his comedy act. He makes some very interesting points. “There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, etc. And then there are just Americans. You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me Whiteboy, Cracker, Honkey, Whitey, Caveman... and that's OK. But when I call you, Nigger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink, you call me a racist. You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you... so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live? You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You have Yom Hashoah. You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi. You have the NAACP. You have BET. If we had W.E.T. (White Entertainment Television) we'd be racists. If we had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists. If we had White History Month, we'd be racists. If we had any organization for only whites to 'advance' OUR lives we'd be racists. We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce. Wonder who pays for that?? A white woman could not be in the Miss Black American pageant, but any color can be in the Miss America pageant. If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships...You know we'd be racists. There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the USA, yet if there were 'White colleges' that would be a racist college. In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists. You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists. You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots or beats up a black gang member or Hispanic drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist. I am proud...But you call me a racist. Why is it that only whites can be racists?? There is nothing improper about this e-mail... Let's see which of you are proud enough to send it on. I sadly don't think many will. That's why we have lost most of OUR RIGHTS in this country. We won't stand up for ourselves! BE PROUD TO BE WHITE! It's not a crime yet, but getting real close!

College Students' Outcome (Coffee Break)

2009-02-20T07:55:00.000-08:00

WARNING: This video contains on count ONE cuss word in the subtitles... I apologize for anyone who is offended. This video was just too awesome to not put it up here.

Valentine's Once A Month

2009-02-15T19:01:00.000-08:00

Oh Valentine's Day. It should be called "Make-all-the-singles-in-the-world-feel-like-crap" Day, but still this Saint Valentine got his pick as Valentine's Day instead. I've never thought much about the holiday... in fact, if I hadn't seen all the pink and red balloons, cards, and chocolate candy on sale at WalMart, I might've actually forgotten it was a holiday at all. It's like St. Patrick's Day... all these saints get these holidays. Sheesh.

Anyway, all that to say that last Valentine's Day for me was nothing special. I went to dinner with a couple friends. End of celebration. The Valentine's before that, my current boyfriend and I had broken up only a few days before and one of my best friend's from high school lost her mom tragically. The V-Day prior, I was dating a shmuck who's name I don't even remember now. All that to say, Valentine's Day hasn't had the best of reputations for me. Its been just an overrated day in the year. This Valentine's, however, was a little better. I had someone.

But the question raised in my mind is: Does having a significant other really make Valentine's Day special? I mean, if you care for someone, do you really have to wait until the fourteenth day in February (what a random month) to do something extra special? I want to have Valentine's Day once a month in that case. I want there to be one day in every month that is set aside for everyone to be extra annoying in their affection for the important person in their life. It won't seem so "put on" if that were the case. In fact... I want to do it myself. I'm going to designate a day once a month to tell everyone in my life how much I love and appreciate them. I'm going to do this for the next six months and just see how it goes. Then, I'll report back and let you know how things go and if there is any difference in my relationships. You should try it. Thoughts? Am I being cliche? Its okay if you think so. I think so. Why don't we have more holidays set aside JUST for loving people?

Jesus PR

2009-02-13T08:39:00.000-08:00

If the stories are true, which I believe that they are, then Jesus Christ was God's greatest PR tactic ever. I mean think about it...

This company just created a new office location and its in an up-and-coming community. The best way to market the company is to send a "partner" of the company directly into the public and let the partner sell himself to the community. Then, when the "partner" leaves the community, everyone will have such a fond memory of the partner that they will feel a sense of loyalty to him and support the company based on their relationship with the partner. Its like when I buy Girl Scout Cookies from my bosses daughter. I don't know her. I don't have a relationship with her. Heck, I don't even know if I even actually know her name. But I buy cookies from her because I have a relationship with her mom. Its the same concept.

So, in that light, Jesus Christ was God's greatest PR tactic ever. He sent Jesus here to be awesome so everyone would love Him, and then when Jesus left, everyone follows this religion called Christianity because they are followers of Christ. Christianity stipulates that a believer in Christ must also believe in God. Therefore, Jesus was the PR liaison between God and us. Jesus totally just sold us on His dad because He was so awesome. Jesus made God look really good and now we all worship Him because His son developed such a great reputation for Him. Its way too simplified to be considered completely accurate, but its something to think about.

Grey's Anatomy Devotion

2009-02-13T08:01:00.000-08:00

I'm a Grey's Anatomy fan. Don't judge.

Last week, Dr. Dixon was consulting a patient when Dr. Bailey interrupted her with another option that the two doctors had not discussed before submitting it to the parents of the child. Dr. Dixon has some panic disorder like OCD only way worse. Anyway, Dr. Dixon freaked out. Dr. Bailey and Dr. Yang found her in an office tugging at her cloths and gasping for air. She immediately told them both that she needed to shock her central nervous system by applying a lot of pressure over large areas of her body. Dr. Bailey starred at her for a moment, and then wrapped her arms around Dixon, hugging her. Yang stands there watching in amazement, before being ordered to "grab the other side" by Bailey. Dixon was walking them both through the entire process saying, "At first I will resist the pressure and panic will worse, but eventually my muscles will begin to relax, breathing will steady, and my heart rate will level." It was an intense moment for Grey's.

The whole scene really got me thinking. It felt like I was watching myself on the screen, only God was on either side of me, not Bailey and Yang. Many times when we face changes or trials, we panic and find a way to escape it the best we can. Once we've come to a realization of the severity of the trial, or our stress level exceeds our mental ability to cope, we panic. That's where the hugging things comes in. God swoops in with His huge arms and wraps us in His love. At first, we panic more because we resist the feeling that we are not in control and can not change our circumstances. But eventually, the mind relaxes, our assurance returns, and our heart is overwhelmed with gratitude for God's mercy in our lives. It's really pretty awesome.

So, when you begin to feel smothered by your trials and you are exhausted from trying to gain control over them, just stop and let God shock your central nervous system. Let Him squeeze you until you relax and get through the situation.

Black Fingernails (Breaking the Stereotype)

2009-02-06T07:55:00.000-08:00

I'm not much of a rebel... okay, so I'm a huge rebel. I love to color outside the lines. But let's be honest, it hasn't been until recently that I've had the courage to do that in an overtly noticable way. I started with a couple T-shirts that seemed to be fairly edgy. I got a few looks from my friends who knew me to be the "play it safe" girl when it came to fashion. Then I incorporated a few new pieces to my apparel and started wearing my hair messy and wavy. The black fingernails have been the latest addition and the glances are becoming more frequent. Granted, I live in a fairly liberal area... okay, I lied. I live in the Bible-belt of the world: Church of God Mecca. Still, my group of friends are very open when it comes to these kinds of things. But I think the black fingernails were over the top for a few of them. Some thought it was cute, as I even got the comment, "Your nails are just beautiful. They are. I know that's weird, but they are just pretty." (Hahaha) But others I see are glancing at my hands out of the corner of their eyes and not commenting or even pretending to notice that my hands suddenly possess these large dark dots on the ends of each of my fingers.

I went to a professional meeting yesterday to meet with a new client. I was dressed very professionally and even had the long black leather coat "I'm-hot-and-I-know-it" look going on. We went in for the meeting and my group seemed to be sitting with at least one chair between them and the client. So, being the "reacher-outer" that I am, I sat between them, making me closest to the client. The client began to tell us of her company, what they do, and what they needed us to do for them, and I noticed the client's eyes getting caught on something anytime she looked at me. Now, mind you, this is a Christian organization (don't get me started on how Christians should be accepting of all styles etc.) and this lady seemed really nice. But it was obvious that she was at first really taken back by my bold nail color. Maybe its unprofessional and she was just degrading my ability to do this job in her mind, or maybe she thought they were pretty and she just wanted to stare at them obnoxiously while she talked, specifically to me. Either way, the nails were noticed and I suddenly found myself wondering if the stereotypes I know have been placed on others, more bold than I, are being placed on me for my nails. Christians don't wear black fingernail polish. That's only for the Atheists and Non-Traditional Catholics of the world.

Has my relationship with God changed since I painted my nails black? Not really. Maybe a little because I feel more liberated within myself to do and feel however I wish and know that my God still loves me and we still have a great relationship. I feel a little more free in my expression of who I am because I suddenly know that no matter what color my nails are, God and I will still talk on a daily basis and His love for me has not changed. So for all the socially rebellious out there: Know that your rebellion to society's judgement is not a bad thing. Be who you are... even if you are a learning professional who just so happens to wear black fingernail polish. Actually, ESPECIALLY if you are a learning professional who just so happens to like black fingernail polish.

Broken Flesh Called Elle

2009-02-03T19:19:00.000-08:00

I fill my time with busyness so that I don't have to think about me. I cram everything I can into my days so that I have no time alone with myself to think about my imperfections and short-comings. I refuse to allow myself to examine the person I have become. I don't want to. I'm convinced I will be disappointed. So I do what I can to avoid alone time with Elle. Someone made an interesting observation about my Facebook the other day. I went through this period of time when all my status updates were "Elle is..." and then I would name a character from a movie or TV show that was somehow matching my current feelings. I was stressed out one day, so I was Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy. Then, I was Peyton Sawyer from One Tree Hill when I was feeling lonely. I was Serena Van Der Woodsen from Gossip Girl when I felt wronged by my friends and Rachel Greene from Friends when I felt like that special someone I care about was constantly out of reach to me. So one of my friends commented on my status updates and asked, "When is Elle just Elle?"

I didn't like that question much. But I really had to face the answer head on.

I don't ever like being just Elle. I don't like who Elle is. She is bitchy and no one likes her. She has an air of confidence about her that pushes people away. She is talented and pretty, but none of her talents are outstanding. She is "mediocre" at most everything. A jack of all trades, if you will. She is loud, obnoxious and an easy target for drama and blame. She is over-dramatic about everything she does and people just don't like how honest she is about her feelings. Its not normal. She doesn't fit into society because she is a weird piece. She has all these characteristics of being popular and liked, but she deflects people in general with her attitude and overall demeanor. Its annoying. She is annoying. Guys only like her because of her physical appearance, but are quickly run off by her abrasiveness. She is a huge flirt and the girls think she is a slut. The rumors about her are pretty terrible and if even parts of them are true, she is a hypocrit and seductress. She isn't worth getting to know.

This is why I can't stand hanging out with her one-on-one. She isn't pleasant. She's got a terrible reputation and people don't forget things. Ever. There are assumptions about who Elle is that will never go away. Some people think that I should look past those assumptions and not care that people are mean, but who wants to put the effort into actually doing that? Not to mention, the problem clearly lies with Elle because the whole world can't be wrong about her. She's just not a good person. So I avoid being with her alone. Its easier than dealing with her baggage.

Granted, I've made some changes in my life recently and my attitude is different than before. People are starting to come around again. But I'm pretty convinced its only temporary. It won't be long before I will do or say something that someone won't like and then it will all be over. I fill my life with other things so as to avoid working out the hurt that I face behind this facade I dress myself in everyday. I walk through campus and avoid eye contact with people because I'm pretty sure I know what they're thinking. I know they are thinking about that rumor they heard about me my freshman year... and whatever it is, it is probably at least partly true. I have no defense against those things. I have made some really bad decisions in my life. I'm learning to fix those things, but they are still there. People don't forget. People don't know. They don't know that I struggle with self-esteem on a daily basis. They don't know that I feel useless and worthless as a human. They don't know that their judgement kills my soul... their lust poisons my heart. They don't know that I choose stress over dealing with the person I am. They don't know that I'm trying so hard to change... to attempt to change their minds. Every day, all day, I work to repair the damage I have done to myself. They don't know. They don't care either. So why should I?

God cares. Thankfully. He loves me despite my choices... despite the rumors. He loves me despite my betrayal of His Holy commandments. I don't know how. But He does. So I care too... I just haven't figured out how to deal with caring about it yet. I don't want to face those demons from my past. I don't even want to remember them, much less own up to them. I am so humiliated by those things... embarrassed at the decisions I've made. I run from myself, but there is no escape. So I take an extra class, commit to another project, come up with a new reason to never be alone with Elle...

So, I will continue being Brooke Davis and Jen Grogan because they are better than being Elle. They are interesting and fun. They are my escape from myself until I can figure out how to stand Elle long enough to be her. They are my excuse to feel okay about myself while I find a reasonable strategy for caring about this girl longing for truth and affection that's trapped inside this broken flesh called Elle.

Curtain Rod Epiphany

2009-01-28T09:07:00.000-08:00

SIDE NOTE BEFORE I BEGIN:

I think I might want to be a columnist someday. Maybe only for a day. But I think I wanna try it. I think I would find very interesting and insightful things to say to the general public that would be worth reading. I don't know. I think I just like the idea of living in this little room filled with computers, eating Chick-fil-a sandwiches and crunching on apples while I messily draft these conglomerate nothings, if you will. I mean, think about a column. Who reads them? I mean, I find them funny and heart-felt. but who really sits down at a computer or flips open a newspaper to read the columns? We're too busy searching for the big headlines. The juicy gossip plastered across the front page. A lot of people don't take time for the columns. But I recently became engaged in a few column/ blog feeds that really capture my attention. Listening to what these guys have to say about Led Zeppelin and the inaugural... yeah, one wouldn't think there would be a correlation, but low and behold, John Kelly of the Washington Post says otherwise. This blog is kind of like my own little "private column" I guess you could say. I can write what I want and I think it could in many ways be translated into a column. Hmmmm...

ANYWAY...

I went shopping for a curtain rod the other day. Yes, I know. It seems mindless and ridiculous, but you wouldn't believe the toil in this activity. There were at least 84 different rods in the aisle at Wal-Mart, my beloved, when I went on this masquerade last night. I'm an indecisive person, but this... this was just dumb. I stood unknowing on the white, freshly waxed, typical Wal-Mart tile floor and starred and what seemed like curtain rod heaven. All these "sticks", if you will, glorified and adorned with shiny bulbs on each end. Some of them were curvy twines of metal rather than the standard bulb. Others had jewel-looking plastic ends that were see through, for effect I'm assuming. Now, to be fair, I'm a fairly creative person. I'm actually constructing these curtains myself. My mother actually had a business in window treatments when I growing up, so I know a few tricks. My family room is quaint and decorated, nothing too fancy, but still cute and homey. I typically would be somewhat picky about any kind of decor going into this room. However, I just wanted my curtains to stay on the wall. But this was so much more than "just curtains". These will be on my wall for quite awhile and if they look bad, I will be annoyed. So, I deliberated. I weighed the consequences of my decision. I began thinking about the colors in the room and the styles of the furniture. I thought about the way the furniture would look with curtains in the room. I thought about the texture of the fabric of which the curtains are composed. I took into account the hard angles of the furniture and the different "ends" for the curtain rods. I very carefully picked up rod after rod inspecting each one and visualizing it in my living room. After rod number 24, I stopped abruptly. I suddenly realized the trivial thing in which I was being so serious about. I calmly put the rod down, picked up the first black rod I saw, and quickly scooted out of the aisle.

But this got me thinking. I had been in that aisle in the home decor department at Wal-Mart for a good twenty minutes. I had become very serious about my curtain rod. A curtain rod. Yet, as a society, we tend to make decisions involving much more important means very quickly. Specifically in the area of moral judgement, we tend to "go with the flow". When there is an injustice taking place, our reaction time as culture has conditioned us, is much longer than it should be. Its like we're standing in the curtain rod aisle all over again, but this time we're trying to decide if stepping up to the injustice happening before us has any benefit to our person. I actually felt somewhat convicted about being so "impassioned" about this stupid curtain rod when there were people sitting on the curb outside Wal-Mart, most likely homeless. And then, what am I going to do? Give them my curtain rod? My $13 curtain rod, by the way. Inflation is still running rampant unfortunately. But, back to my point, I felt terrible. I spend my money very carefully, and this curtain rod was, at the time, somewhat of a necessity. But still... I find myself wondering how I could better spend my money and time outside of the curtain rod aisle. I desire a change in my life, a change that will make me as passionate about these injustices in our culture as I became about that curtain rod. I want to pour my time into thinking of ways to improve our homeless shelters rather than my living room. I'm still working on a plan as to how to do that exactly, but I am fairly determined, so I think I will. I'm always up for a challenge, and this will definitely be one, so I'm excited about it. On with the curtain rod epiphany!

WallE Phenomenon

2009-01-23T07:51:00.000-08:00

I'm not even sure exactly how to get all this out. I have a lot of thoughts rolling around upstairs and I don't have any idea how to get it all out...

Technology overwhelms me. I find that I'm pondering the use and development of technology in its intent and purpose. I'm concerned for what the advancements we are making in technology mean for our society. I'm concerned that good old hard back books are becoming viewed as unnecessary. According to the Washington Post in August of 2007, more than half of the American people read on average only 4 books in a year... and within that half, many said that they read only one book in the course of a year. One book. It's amazing. Media is overwhelming our society. My worry is that our response to this surge will not be sufficient and we will inevitably fail in our ability to effectively employ media as a tool.

So many people use media everyday very easily. They create YouTube videos, send instant messages, write e-mails, and search Google, but they have no real understanding of the gravity of the technology they are using. They use it without thinking. Eventually this use becomes habit forming and they "expect" media to accomplish for them whatever they require of it, and do so in a timely fashion. Think about it... how often do you go through a drive-thru window at a fast-food restaurant and wait five whole minutes for your food? If you had to wait longer than five minutes, would you become angry? Of course you would! Why? Because you are entitled to "fast" food. You are paying this restaurant to make you a burger and fries, bag it, and hand it to you "fast". Our idea of "fast" has become ridiculous. As a culture, we expect results. We demand attention. We assume efficiency. My friends and I get so upset when we have to wait at the RedBox for the people in front of us to decide what they want to watch. Then, when they decide, we wait (in truth probably only a total of thirty seconds) for the machine to dispense the DVD. it's excruciating. Why??

Because we've been conditioned to a fast paced society. Does anyone remember "dial-up" internet? I do. I remember we were one of the "lucky" families in my neighborhood to have a PC at home with internet connection. I was about seven years old. My dad worked for a company that was going to all computer based networking so he would bring home this twenty six pound hulk of a laptop and set it up in our family room on its own special desk. No one but mom and dad was allowed to use it, except when dad would set up WallBall for me to play when he wasn't working, if he had time. The internet connection took about forty-five minutes to work and then it took an average of four minutes to load one internet page. I would very much so enjoy watching a seven year old attempt to use a dial-up internet connection today. My little brother, Mac, wouldn't have the patience for it. He would be long gone back to watching TV after waiting for the internet for even three minutes. He uses our computer at home a lot for WebKinz and AddictingGames.com. He's a "gamer", if you will. He's seven years old. Seven. his teachers in first grade are posting homework assignments online. They're putting videos and web links on their "class page". I didn't know what the internet really was in first grade. Sometimes, I'm still not sure I know what it is...

All this to say... is the WallE phenomenon coming to fruition? Does anyone even know what fruition means anymore? Are we becoming "dumber" as a society because we're relying on technology so much to accomplish common tasks like getting the weather report and even starting the coffee pot? Where will we be in ten years if we continue to bury ourselves in media usage? Will we be better off? Or will we be over-weight blobs of skin and organs, floating around in chairs that take us to the pool and feed us greasy food? Will we forget what is natural (what a revolutionary term)? Will we forget what was actually originally given to us? Is there a solution??

Starting Over

2009-01-22T08:39:00.000-08:00

This phrase "starting over" has always been something I have AVOIDED with everything in my being. I hate the very thought. When someone starts over, it usually means that they worked for something that didn't work out and then had to try to redo whatever didn't work the first time. I am a first time kinda girl... get it done right so you don't have to repeat your work. But lately I have been embracing the idea of starting over. I've messed up. As you probably know by now, I'm starting over in a sense. I am re-beginning some things in my life that I hope no one else ever has to. I'm completely restructuring my approach to certain things in my life...

This is going to be a tedious process. It's going to be difficult and I'm going to wish I hadn't ever attempted this. I'm going to complain. I'm going to write pages and pages about the ridiculousness of our society and the politics of life. I'm going to whine about the mere thought of communication and relationships. It's going to be bad. Bottom line. BUT... I WANT this. I want to make these changes. It's kinda like my own little experiment. Like my own personal case study... to observe and record the effects of social endeavors. Why do people choose to build relationships and maintain them? What's so great about being intimately knowledgeable about another person?

In my experience, being personally attached to someone ends in heartbreak. According to Annette Bening on the movie The Women, "...in all relationships eventually someone betrays someone, always". I agree. Totally. In all relationships, at some point, someone will betray someone... I will betray someone... it's inevitable, right? Well, okay, let's think about this. In all the relationships a person has in a lifetime, probably about 80% of those relationships will fail, end somehow, or just dissipate. It's not always on bad terms, but most relationships are temporary, if you will. Most don't last. Apart from those few exceptions being a marriage (in some cases) and one or two relationships often referred to as a "best friend"... other than those three maybe four situations, all relationships end. This exact theory is why I find it impossible to get too close to someone. In high school I had two "best friends". We decided to get tattoos together. I missed the date we set to get the tattoos because I was out with the guy I was dating at the time. We arranged to take our other "best guy friends" with us, being two underclassmen from our high school. Needlesstosay, they have matching tattoos, but I don't.

We're not friends anymore.

From that one story, there are at least five specifically named relationships that were founded, based on something important, that are no longer existant. It's terrible. When our friendships fell apart, I was kinda devastated. My relationships now suffer for that. I'm not really, truly CLOSE to anyone currently. Even my "best friends" don't REALLY know about me. They don't know things I'm dealing with always because I don't tell them. Why? Because... why would I? Why would I tell someone intimate things about myself KNOWING that in two years, they probably won't be in my life? Why would I share this time in my life with these people I know don't REALLY give a flip about me. And if they don't care about me, who does?

This is the cycle I am going to break. I'm going to take some risks... let people in... get to know someone. I'm going to let myself become vulnerable (to a degree) so that I can build relationships worth having. Even if they don't last forever, I desire relationships that are meaningful. Something that's inexplicable. I yearn to be known, and to know someone else.

Hence the reason I'm a communication major...

So I'm starting over. I'm wiping the slate and redefining how I go about developing and maintaining relationships. I just wanna be friends with someone. So I will. I'm starting over... ugh. Here goes.

If I can just get close enough...

2008-09-30T18:10:00.000-07:00

I spent my evening last night at Mt. Olive's revival listening to Pastor Tim Hill (whom I think might have a doctorate now, so Dr. Hill) preach about the woman with the issue of blood. His take on the story was very interesting... I always learn about a different angle of Bible stories in his sermons. He talked about the woman needing healing and went on to talk more about the resurrection of the young church and God's call on the youth of America. It was really a great sermon. But I couldn't help but think... I was actually plagued by these thoughts today. I couldn't concentrate for this character's face in my mind: the woman.

I created a character, as I often do when I'm having trouble paying attention to a sermon, for the lead role of "the woman" in this story. My woman looks a lot like the lady who played Jesus's mother in The Passion of the Christ. Dark clothing draped over her head as if in mourning, with an ever present distress plastered to her forehead. They are often referred to as "worry lines". She is sitting in a tent on a pillow alone, holding her stomach, and crying soft sobs of anguish and hopelessness. She knows she's alone. She can't marry, can't have children, can't leave this wretched tent. Anything she touches has to be cleansed after her contact and the law binds her to this tent until her bleeding stops. Can you imagine the thoughts that must have been going through her head? "What have I done, Lord, that you would banish me to a life of desolation? Why am I not good enough for anyone's affection? Don't you love me? Don't you feel my pain?" And to have dealt with this for twelve... TWELVE... years is beyond me. I thought I knew what desperation was until I spent some time thinking about this woman. She was the definition of desperation. Girls, you know what its like to be on your period and how draining it is of your energy and vibrance. Can you imagine a nonstop period for twelve years?

So there she was in this tent all day in my head and I kept asking myself, "Where did she get the faith to believe Jesus could heal her?" If anyone had reason to doubt God's power, this woman was entitled. After the years of agony that she must have endured, she was no doubt beaten down and lifeless to say the least. Still, she had faith. She believed that if she could just get close enough to him, she would touch even just his robe, his shoe, brush his hand or catch wind of his gaze... she believed she would receive healing. She BELIEVED this. Why?? When did God show up and ease her suffering before? When did he promise her healing? HOW IS IT that she was able to believe in this?

She pressed through the crowd. Take a second and think about the most crowded place you have been of recent. I am thinking of when chapel lets out and everyone rushes to the doors at the same time. Imagine pushing through those throngs of people. Can you hear her? "Oh God, let me reach him. Please, Lord. Let me reach your Son. If I could only touch him, God, I know you will heal me. Oh don't let me miss him. Please, Lord. Help me reach him." Can you hear the desperation? The pleading? I can almost audibly hear her voice crack as tears reach her eyes seeing the back of his head as he moves forward down the street. I can feel the anxiety in her chest as she pushes and prods through the people. I can feel her breathing increase as she almost loses her breath in frustration and hurry. And then, in a last effort, I see her reaching, almost diving forward, for him. And as her frail body races to the ground, I can feel the ever so light brush of the cloth on the end of her finger. She made it.

Instantly her body feels different. The pain that once kept her down was released and I can see her face as she stops in awe to place her hands on her abdomen in shock for the release. The look of disbelief mixed with appreciation and relief on her face is stuck in my head, even now. Her faith healed her. Her faith set her free from her bondage. Her belief in Jesus Christ and who he was made her whole. Oh, to have that kind of faith. I am so convicted.

I find that I'm quickly applying this to my life. I know God has plans for me. I just don't know what they are, when I'll know what they are, and if He will ever truely reveal them to me explicitly. I'm easily frustrated and consumed by my desire to know what I'll be doing a year from now. I easily get worried feeling as though I'm too late. The things God has for me would've been made known by now. I don't have enough time to prepare for any of the things I thought He was calling me to now. It's too late. But then... if I can just get close enough, I know I'll be healed. If I can just touch Him somehow. If I can just reach out and brush the hem of his robe... I've waited so long to have these answers and to know what I'm going to do... I've waited so long to find that place where I can best serve Him and His purposes. I've spent so much time feeling worthless and hopeless... like its too late, my chance has passed. But now I know He's here, in my hometown, and if I can just get close enough to touch Him, I know He will heal my brokenness and hurt. If I can just get in His presence long enough to truely encounter His glory and awesomeness, I know my "issues", my problems, will be healed instantly. I believe. I've reached my desperation, or as close to it as I'm going to get. I've reached my depression and asked all the "why" questions of God. I've spent enough time in the tent feeling worthless, I'm ready to go and receive my healing. I believe that if I can just get close enough, I will be healed. I believe. I believe.

Somehow A Headache (the radical thoughts of NyQuil and exhaustion)

2008-09-17T21:37:00.000-07:00

Since I have started this blog... I have found myself having more headaches and less sleep. I've become concerned about my appearance as a blogger and how others must view me as a person based on my blogs. Why am I going into media as a career? Why? Who is their right mind...

I find that the more indepth thoughts I have to write on this blog, the more I refrain from actually writing them for fear that all my inner most thoughts will all spill out and I will lose all that creates depth in me as a person... that there will no longer be this element that causes others to desire face-to-face interaction with me... that I will lose mystery. The truth is, I already have lost mystery. I have spread myself so thin over so many people, realtionships, or the failing thereof that I have allowed a dirty "film", if you will, to form over Elle as a person and a personality. I have allowed a haze to dampen who I am in truth and who God has created me to be. I have recently found myself not fighting this haze, but living to its expectations. Instead of trying to overcome the lingering clouds of negativity that I feel surround me constantly, I found myself giving into those expectations and simply causing the haze to become truth. For example, if the majority of my peers thought that I was easily taken advantage of, rather than work to break that stimga, I would catch myself fulfilling that stigma simply because it existed. I find that I have been allowing others' expectations of me to define me a lot. I don't like it, but I'm starting to believe that its really the actual truth.

I've lost an essential element to being a person of substance. I've given up my mystery. I feel as though I'm overt and visible to the entire world all the time. There is nothing hidden, no secrets. Nothing that you don't already know. And thus, no reason to "get to know me". No reason for face-to-face relationships, except for the other... but we won't talk about that right now.

I've overcommitted myself. I've spread myself so thin I'm losing sight of who I am. I'm allowing the things that stress me out and cause me to lose sleep at night define me as a person. I don't invent myself anymore... my commitments decide who I am. I'm not well, physically or mentally. But I still believe that somewhere, someone is good and something has purpose greater than my own... and that keeps me moving. So I will keep moving... even still.

Really?!

2008-09-10T05:14:00.000-07:00

I've began reading the best-selling book Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. The book is essentially about a vampire caught up in a love story. Now wait a minute. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I thought the same... and I'm currently losing precious sleep so that I can read this book. I know... I'm an idiot.

So how about this Sarah Palin thing?? Is she appealing only to the "evangelicals" and hurting Mccain's rep by "slamming" all other faiths? Or is this a woman that God has called to step up and lead our country through a time that only He can pull us from? Palin has been very controversial since her recognition of God as sovereign power in the universe. Everyone, everywhere has been basically lynching her for this. I watched Joy Behar tear Palin a new one saying that she not only singled out the evangelicals, but basically said that according to Palin, only the Christians are safe right now. Did Ms. Behar even listen to what Gov. Palin was saying? What Palin said was that a pipeline from here to China wouldn't matter "if the people of Alaska's hearts aren't right with God". Not to mention... did Behar know that Palin was in a church, speaking to a congregation when she made these statements??

I honestly... I'm not sure how to even look at this deal. Everyone always says that all we can do now is pray. Pray. Yes, pray. The only thing that is truely pushing me through is the fact that God already knows the outcome of this election. God already knows who will be the next president, He is preparing that person.... Muslim or not... and He has the situation with the economy and foreign affairs under control. Do I believe that the US may have to pay for the sins of this nation? Yeah, I do. We are quickly becoming a modern day Sodom and there are always, ALWAYS consequences for our actions. Were there innocent children that died when Sodom was desrtoyed? Yes, there most likely were. Were there innocent women and children that died when Pompeii was destroyed? Our scientists and archeologists can prove that there were. Do bad things happen everyday to good people? YES! The world is not a place of perfect justice. Clearly. Joy Behar said that if we all believe that God has a purpose and plan even for all the bad things, then He's not very nice. Well, Joy... honey, not everything can be explained with logic. Is there logic behind the abuse and mistreatment that goes on in the Middle East everyday to women? Is there logic and purpose behind the atrocities that happen to some children, IN OUR COUNTRY, everyday with molestation and abuse?

The point here is that, this is a matter of faith. I couldn't LIVE without the faith that something, somewhere bigger than me had a purpose for my puny little life, and the horrors that happen to people everyday, because life would be unbearable. To live without the agreement in my heart the there was a grander plan for something would mean that I accept that the things we face everyday as humans are simply bad. Period. And that would mean there is no reason to continue living. And I can not accept that I would be born, all this toil and dispair, for nothing.

Behar... I pray that God gives you a reason to live if you truely believe He doesn't have a bigger plan. That must be a sad life with little to no fulfillment, and I believe God has a plan for you and your cynicism.

Just Not Done Yet

2008-09-08T21:53:00.000-07:00

I'm addicted to blogging already. I woke up three minutes ago... at 12:23 am and realized I just HAD to blog. Here I am. Ridiculous.

I have recently been challenged by a friend to live my life in a more Christ-like manner. I always felt like I WAS living in a Christ-like manner. I did all the right things, for the most part. Granted, I have my down falls, but mostly all humans do. I am generally nice to people and I try to be attentive to others' needs. I do what I'm told and keep moving... (pause)... I suddenly realize I'm not living a Christ-like lifestyle. Why? I don't know Him.

I suddenly realized tonight that to live like Jesus Christ would first and foremost require that I know how He lived. Most of us believe we have a conceptual idea of how He lived as a human. Easy: carpenter, perfect, peacful, merciful, solem and beautiful. Right. So... I should start building things out of wood, achieve the impossible, end war and injustice, and become a solid mountain towering in the distance with a snowy cap. Huh. Ok. This whole "conceptual" thing doesn't quite cut it when it comes to knowing Christ well enough to attempt to mimic His life.

In order to truely give a Christ-like life a fair shot, one must know Jesus Christ. By know, I mean have a personal relationship with Him. I do. I talk to Him all the time. We chat. It's nice. But I'm still a baby when it comes to my knowledge of Him and how He works. I know the basic "interview question" information about my Savior, but I know I don't have a deeper understanding of who He is in the context of my life. I'm learning. I'm digging and everyday I resolve to another epiphany in this process, but I still don't know Him enough. I want to know Him better than I do. Enough to feel confident that I could go as far to say that "I wanna be like Him"... and actually try doing that.

Don't get me wrong. I try to live like Christ in that I desire to follow the moral statutes and general rules given by the doctrine of the Bible. That doesn't make me feel, however, that I know this Jesus enough to really live like He did yet. I want to have that kind of mercy and love. I want to have faith enough to see past one's failures and flaws into the being God created. I want to unconditionally accept people. I want to know and understand justice and honesty. It's just that I don't... yet. I'm trying. I'm working toward that knowledge. I'm still developing a relationship with Him... learning to trust Him and know that He really loves me, despite my stupidity and sin. I'm going there. It's just that I'm not there yet. Have patience, if you can, while I toddle along this road. Believe that I am trying to do the right thing, even if it appears as though I've lost my brain and I'm just being Elle again. I desire more, but achieving it is a long, tedious process. One that I wouldn't trade. I'm just not done yet.

I did this to myself...

2008-09-07T19:21:00.000-07:00

I've doomed myself to social media for life. I'm going into Public Relations, so I feel as though I should probably begin using one of the fastest growing social medias in the world: blogging. I mean, who thought of that word, really? Blog. It almost sounds dreary and "ho-hum", but the idea is so lively and exciting. To display openly for the world your thoughts and feelings about different things is such a revolutionary way of bringing humans closer to one another. I would venture to believe that Jesus Christ would've been an avid blogger. He wanted to be a part of the things that brought people closer together. He was a revolutionist. He was an excellent communicator and publically conversed and debated with people about theories and ideas. He definitely would've blogged.
This is exciting. My first blog. I feel like my mom should be here to take a picture and stamp it in my baby book. One day, when my children start their first blogs, I will document that moment and commemorate the day they engaged in social media at this level. The blogs after this one will be more interesting, but I'm kind of just trying this out. I'm dipping my tip-toe into the pool of blogging to feel it out and decide if I should ease myself in or jump with full force. At any rate, I'm stoked about becoming a "blogger". This word... blog. It's killing me right now. WHERE did the B come from?? Why blog and not slog, glog, klog, or zlog? Zlog could've been cool. I could see people saying that... "Dude, did you read Sally's zlog? Intense." It totally could've worked. I need to research that B.
Okay, so this is enough for this entry. The next will be more in depth and the following even deeper. Then, I will invite my friends to read them and they will be the topic of many conversations about politics, theories, beliefs, and opinions. This is going to be great. I can't wait. Woot for me... I'm a blogger.
-LE